Every Wednesday, I will post a riddle-poem. I will attempt to start simple and move to the more complex. The riddle is to name the God described in the poem. Try it- by writing in your answer in the comment slot. I will post the answer next Wednesday when I post the second riddle-poem.

Here is the first:

I am God…name me if you can?

I am old, but not the oldest.

Birthed from earth, her chosen son.

 

I am Destroyer-Creator.

Enthroned by battle,

I gathered the four winds

Capturing the sea dragon goddess,

Piercing her with an arrow.

And with her divine blood mixed with dust-

I formed man-a warrior people destined to rule.

 

Shimmering from east to west, on the temple of the holy city,

Glimmering on the great river,

I am _____________________.

I wonder , if you don’t mind…

How do you spend your time?

Do you ever spend the hours reading some forgotten lore…

Of kings, swords, dreams and powers,

Which cause the imagination to soar?

 

How do you spend your time?

Or do you spend your hours with TV, HBO, X-box and ninendo?

 

How do you spend your time?

Do you ever-

In those precious moments that seem to flee,

Well, do you ever just sit and meditate

And question the universal reason to be?

Or do you run and flee and escape reality

 

I wonder …if you don’t mind

How do you spend your time?

How do you spend your time? Ed Kelly Jr 2012

Remember, I am sharing my story and as I was reviewing my notes, I realized it was rather personal –but that is what a spiritual journey is all about-isn’t it? Also remember I do not present my journey as a model nor do I suggest that I have all the answers. Matter of fact, I confess that I do not have all the answers only a plethora of questions and a haunting search for the ultimate reality.

After confirmation, I dropped out of Church-thinking I kind of graduated and from 16 to 21 years old, I led a rather benign spiritual life- a kind of limbo (oh my- what a symbolic term that is). A life without any thought of God, a kind of practical atheist; not that I did not believe in God, but that God just did not matter. God really hadn’t intervened in my life when I was being abused so why believe God or a religion which should have comforted me or assisted me in living and surviving an abusive Father and an abusive religion. That is how I felt at that time. I even experimented with two rather extreme faiths to see if I could find some sense of God- Mormonism and One Pentecostalism but I found only further legalism and slavery.

But in 1975, something did happen to me- I experienced what Rudolph Otto called the “numinous being,” It was like taking a giant step in my spiritual journey. (By the way, back in those days- I never used the word spiritual journey or talked about Rudolph Otto. I would not be introduced to his writing until 2005). The story is much too complicated to share in one setting- I will just state that I had been in dialogue with a Christian Charismatic who talked not about religion but a personal relationship with God. The word- personal relationship intrigued me. This was a new idea- a profound idea. I had heard about keeping laws…about going to Church…the need for certain rituals (baptism and confession), but I had never heard even about the possibility of having a personal relationship with God. It was a revolutionary thought for me. The possibility of a finite human having a relationship with the infinite being. (I might add, thirty five years later, in 2010, I was introduced to the writings of Martin Buber whom I found to be a kindred spirit as he was not interested in ideas about God only relationships with God.

Then I attended a Corrie Ten Boom movie event- and when the movie was over- you know they had the altar call. No, I did not respond but I went home and in the silence of my bedroom- I knelt down and asked God to come into my life- that I desired that personal relationship. And that night I felt God’s presence and knew that I had been touched by God, (It would be 30 years later when I read for the first time- Rudolph Otto’s book- The Idea of the Holy– that II would begin to describe my experience as an encounter with the numinous, that is the being-the mysterium tremendum that attracts and fascinates). Later as a Protestant minister I would call it my conversion point- the moment of decision. Now looking back it was the initial hierophany (encounter with the sacred) that would begin my search for God and fulfillment –a journey that continues.

In my previous article I used the term- salvation and I must discussion my migration away from the strict Protestant-Catholic forensic penal satisfaction idea of salvation to a more holistic approach of transformation of character. As a Fundamentalist Protestant, I was trained in and was quite proficient in preaching the message of justification as a forensic declaration by God that individual was found guilty but because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, the individual was declared to be justified- right with God. This justification was based on the penal satisfaction theory (Anselm/Calvin) which held that man deserves the wrath and curse of God because of sin and to satisfy the forensic judgment of God, Jesus assumed human nature and became the substitute and bore the penalty that I deserved- on the cross. And because of that work on the cross, I am reconciled to God and delivered from the fear of facing judgment and hell. This was the strict narrow view that I held to as a Fundamentalist Protestant preacher.

My migration out of this narrow view of salvation took two decades and it began when I experienced an awakening– woke up to the reality of two dark images in this presentation: the darkness of the image of God as a judge ready to condemn me and secondly, the dark image of humanity as a fallen creature destined with a propensity to sin. It is here that I must bare my soul- so to speak- and share the origin of these dark images. I was born and raised a Roman Catholic and from the beginning, as I remember my perception of God[1] and I must repeat, my perception of God was rooted in two dysfunctional realities: one, my alcoholic family and secondly, the Catholic Church. Actually both were dominating and authoritarian. Both of these realities nurtured and fostered a rather bleak dark view of God. My father was a raging alcoholic. This is not meant as a blaming description. I have forgiven my father, but the reality is he verbally, mentally and physically abused me. This influenced my perception of God. Where else do children gain their first insight into the mystery of God?  I should mention, various studies have been done on this aspect of adult children of alcoholics that clearly show that in especially abusive-punishing controlling family environments leaks into the image of God who becoming punishing, threatening  and not caring. This was the basic source of my first image of God, which hung over me like gallows for over 45 years of my existence. My first image of God as a child and which would certainty influence later as a Fundamentalist preacher[2] was that God was an old man sitting on a throne who was always watching me –always ready to fling down lightning bolts upon me to punish me. The second influence of my perception of God was that of religion-the religion of my youth-Roman Catholicism. I recall the memorization of rules and laws and the fear in my heart of dying before I could make “confession of my sins” and ending up in hell. But from my religion, the image of God that I had from my father- intensified. My religion fostered and intensified the idea of God being not just an old man on a throne but a fire breathing dragon- the monster God- who was willing and ready to breathe fire and brimstone down on top of me. And this image of God guided me for the first 45 years of my life. This image of God continued to influence me even after I became a Protestant minister and would be the root of most of my “fire and brimstone” preaching.

 

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[1] Religion is based on human beings’ perception of God. (EK)

[2] Please do not read more into that statement- not every Fundamentalist is a product of an alcoholic home.

They came…

In old wooden feed wagons on dust ridden dirt roads,

Girls in pig tails wearing pretty blue bonnets,

Mamas in sack dresses,

Boys with straw hats aNd slivers of straw in their mouths,

And papas in work clothes wondering how the crops would do-

Yes, they came in troves to the old white church.

They came…

In flashy gold and silver ornamented buggies on the same dust ridden dirt roads,

Girls in curls,

And mothers in fancy fashionable silk dresses,

Boys in suits, a book under their arms and a slingshot respectfully concealed in their back pockets.

And fathers dressed in ruffles wondering if them darn dirt farmers would take their pews.

Yes, they all came in troves to the old white Church.

And the circuit rider came a few hours earlier- now waiting at the door,

Watching and wondering- if all was the same since he last came and went.

But he would greet them and smile the smile the same smile that he smiled before.

And he wondered why they came…

He’d pray and they’d sing and he’d preach.

And as he preached he looked and wondered

Wondered why nobody cared and why nobody dared to be different.

And they’d stand and he’d pray and they’d sing.

And then it was time to leave.

Oh, they’d comment so nicely. “Good sermon, rev…”     “Enjoyed it, rev.”

And all these stuck like daggers in his disillusioned heart.

But he thanked them and they went…

On old wooden feed wagons and ornamented buggies on the same dust ridden dirt roads.

And the circuit rider preacher looked, laughed and wondered –had it all been a joke?

And he left down the same dust ridden dirt road to another white Church,

Wondering why they came and they went…

And why nobody cared and nobody dared to be different.

(Written by Ed Kelly Jr. 1994 when he served as Pastor –Prairie Creek Christian Church)

 

We in the Western world are enamored with time and seem fixated on time as a linear project and so we often think of the journey of life as a series of steps- likened to the process of making cookies- following the recipe step by step and arriving at a finished product. With that in mind, many theologians, philosophers and psychologists have created elaborate stages of faith or spirituality in this linear time framework. Here I am thinking of Piaget, Kolberg, Erickson, Allport, Levinson, and Fowler who have written and described human development as a series of linear stages. While I think they have provided some good thoughts and theories to work with, here I believe we need a new framework of thinking of the journey not as linear progression but cyclic in nature.

It is important to understand that this linear model of human development is rooted in the Judean-Christian view of time being linear. The linear time model stresses the directional advancing non-repetitive nature of time; there is a beginning and an end, – there is this progress to the telos- the goal of perfection. I need to get to the end- the final stage of perfection.

The cyclical model of time which has been demonized by the West is the concept found among the Babylonians, Greeks, Romans, Hindus and Buddhists -that time is viewed as an endless cycle with no beginning and end.  Now, I have no intention of getting into the implications of both these conceptions of time only to point out it might be a good idea to take both conceptions in mind when talking about the spiritual journey. It is important to remember here that while experts may provide a pattern of stages that one falls into- it is also a fact that each one of us is a unique individual – sui generis- and may not fit a pre-selected pattern to follow. In other words, we make our own paths- in our search for self and God. I am particular fond of the idea that life is like a pattern of re-occurring waves – cycles of learning experiences that have been brought into my life to awaken me to something that I need to work on. In this sense- the spiritual journey is an endless series life altering waves that are continuous because there is a sense in which I am never a finished product- “I must continue to work out my salvation-my transformation with fear and trembling.” I never will reach perfection. I need continual growth and continue change.

What can I say about life…To make you understand that time is precious

Eighty years are given- too little time to waste  on trivial pursuit or to define the undefinable

There is hope…I think, therefore, I am.

To question…to discover anew the measure of self and God.

It is a process – of waves coming and going, of awakening with each wave on this journey.

Life is a Journey- the Spiritual Journey

What can I say about life…

To make you understand that time is precious

Eighty years are given- too little time to waste

On trivial pursuit of to define the undefinable

There is hope…I think, therefore, I am.

To question…to discover anew the measure of self and God.

It is a process – of waves coming and going

Of awakening with each wave on this journey.

I was lecturing[1] on spirituality and life as a journey when someone asked “which is more important: the journey or the destination?” It is a common question that comes up and I have always been quick to answer but recently I have been rethinking the entire concept. Twenty years ago, in the height of my Fundamentalist preaching career, my answer never deviated, “destination, of course” and my destination was very specific- an afterlife existence called heaven. The journey was only something I had to endure – and I had to “endure to the end” for sure in keeping his law.  And if I achieved that, then I would cross over the other shore and enter into the pearly gates of Heaven. Now that may be overly simplified but it is how most Evangelical Christians perceive life. So is heaven the destination? Well, that’s the concept I am rethinking because for me –now- the destination is no longer heaven (the afterlife existence) and not because I no longer believe in heaven- because I do! But my goal or destination is in the here and now- to develop a holistic personality and be at harmony with self, God, others and nature. And I believe that two things will happen with that kind of “now” existence: one, I will create heaven on earth and secondly, the afterlife will take care of itself, That may sound idealistic and utopian but when you seek harmony with self, God, others and nature- you have just described heaven. Heaven in the “now” of space and time will lead to a heaven in the future of eternity.

The journey into the heaven of “now” is about discovering two facets of life: self and God.  First, the journey is about the discovering self– becoming aware of who I really am- the real me- my views, attitudes and behaviors. Secondly, the journey is also about discovering God anew and moving out of the shadow and experiencing the reality of God. In my case, it was discovering that I was not God! Before I go any further, I do believe this would be a good place to discuss spirituality. (I mentioned it in my beginning paragraph and I should explain how I use the term.) Spirituality is one of those terms that either defies definitions or multiplies definitions. I will use the term in a very broad manner as I dislike the narrow definitions that limit spirituality to either a Christian only proposition or limit it by some Biblical parameter. We limit spirituality in a number of ways.

Allow me to share with you one of those limiting definitions that I dislike- spirituality is an encounter with the One God-Father, Son and Holy Spirit (the revealed God of Jewish/Christian Tradition) which results in transformation. Why do I dislike this definition? Because this definition limits spirituality to Jews and Christians. I find the definition and the attitude- to be strikingly arrogant. The kind of arrogance that I used to live and thrive in. It is the arrogance of a fundamentalism- of putting God in a box and saying- HE ONLY WORKS IN MY BOX. And in reality my box limits God.

So in defining spirituality- let’s begin with the proposition that spirituality – whatever it is- is not limited to one certain religious persuasion. I can say that because from the dawn of time- man has been a spiritual being. The philosophers have referred to homo sapeins as homo-religiouso. I would prefer the term homo-spiritus- which would follow the Hebrew Jahwistic tradition of the creation story (Gen 2:7)  in which God (Yahweh) forms man from the dust (earth)of the ground and breathes into his nostrils the breath of life. God breathes his life into this earth creature. God breathed his spirit into man. There are two images here that are important to understand the journey: one of earth- that we must recognize our finiteness and the struggle-and pain associated with this existence and secondly – the infinite spirit that has been placed in us that draws us to return not to dust but to the Spirit who created us. So secondly spirituality is recognizing that I am of earth but I am also created to transcend the earthly to encounter the Infinite-undefinable Spirit which Paul Tillich referred to as the Ultimate Concern.

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[1] I used to preach and as I am no longer a preacher, I now lecture.